


reckless

by haljordae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Nobody's Gonna Die in the End, Romance, hanahaki byou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haljordae/pseuds/haljordae
Summary: of what Jongdae feels about Kyungsoo while the time is still being kind to him, despite knowing that knocking at the door to Kyungsoo's heart will be the closest he'll ever get to be."...it was almost impossible to Jongdae to think of anything but 'beautiful', especially when he knew well that it washisfavorite flower… especially when the petals burst out from the crack on his heart."





	reckless

**Author's Note:**

> Your typical angst/romance where the main character suffers from hanahaki byou. Rest assured, nobody is going to die at the end; this I promise.

 

**_“Beautiful,” whispered Jongdae as the_** delicate specks of white bloomed before him, obstructing his vision. Fluttering down slowly, some kissed his open palm gently like a loving peck a mother left for her child after a bedtime story.

Another whisper, escaping his slightly parted lips, was then accompanied by a bead of tear caressing his cheek oh so softly. “ _Beautiful_ ,” he hummed yet again, not willing to conceal the tremble in the hushed word.

Daisy petals, it was.

And it was almost impossible to Jongdae to think of anything but ‘ _beautiful_ ’, especially when he knew well that it was _his_ favorite flower… _especially_ when the petals burst out from the crack on his heart.

 

—

 

Quietly, Jongdae had been counting down the days. From the very first day he coughed up the white daisy petals, he already figured out what it was and how many days were left for him – “After all, _it_ was inevitable,” told him to Minseok after the latter entered the bathroom on one particular winter day as Jongdae forgot to lock the door, thinking that his roommate had left their shared apartment already.

Unsurprisingly, the older male demanded Jongdae to tell him _the_ _name_ after a long period of silence, tainted by nothing but more and more petals falling down from Jongdae’s lips. And naturally, Jongdae said nothing aside from, “Ah, it’s bound to happen anyway,” instead. The familiar genial smile bloomed across his lips, a white petal was still hanging at the tip of the arch – the sight invited a pool of tears brimming the large, chestnut eyes of Minseok, who inched closer and wiped it off Jongdae’s face with his thumb before wrapping him in a tight embrace.

“It’s okay,” murmured Jongdae as he rested his chin on Minseok’s trembling shoulder, his fingers were tangled with his best friend’s black locks to caress them gently. “It’s okay, Hyung. It’s okay.”

Despite all of those ‘it’s okay’s whispered from Jongdae’s lips, both of them knew that it was nothing but a sweet lie.

 

—

 

Nothing Minseok did could make Jongdae spill the name, albeit weeks had passed ever since the accidental discovery in the bathroom. There was no significant changes in Jongdae’s condition, and the latter stubbornly insisted that he didn’t need any medical attention. And so Minseok eventually made himself as Jongdae’s personal medical caretaker, doing everything he could to at least help ease the younger’s discomfort.

Humming gratefully, Jongdae accepted the glass of warm water Minseok handed him. “Thanks, Hyung.”

“Dae.” The tone in Minseok’s voice wasn’t quite difficult for Jongdae to distinguish, thus the next words rolling from the tip of the elder’s tongue was no longer surprising either: “Just tell me _who_.”

The burning sensation inside his chest had yet to vanish entirely, although it no longer caused the brunet the pain. Heaving a long sigh, he was grateful for the warm water that immediately worked to soothe his throat – he was fixing a large plate of sandwich for lunch to share with Minseok on one Sunday morning when the man started coughing. Much to his relief, there was no mess caused in the kitchen as he rushed towards the sink at once.

Leaning himself closer to Minseok, who embraced and guided him to the couch, Jongdae only murmured, “And for a million times, no.”

“ _Kim Jongdae_ ,” the corner of Minseok’s lips twitched; a sight that invited a small smile to spread on Jongdae’s own as he plopped himself down on the cushion. “Do I know _him_? If I do, tell me _his goddamn name_ , Dae.”

The smile on Jongdae’s face, albeit weak, grew wider – an answer the other refused to get used to. Yet, before Minseok could open his mouth for another round of nagging, the words had left Jongdae’s lips first. “And how will that make any difference?”

Frown lightly creased Minseok’s forehead when he looked down to meet Jongdae’s eyes. Another period of silence filled up the small living room as if words had escaped the elder.

“Exactly,” Jongdae’s quiet word was like an echo. “Nothing will change, Hyung.”

“But—“

A song interrupted the argument that somewhat had become a routine inside the shared apartment; it came from a phone perching on top of the coffee table, half buried under the sheets of paper strewn across the surface. Reluctantly, Minseok broke the stare and reached for the phone, giving the screen a glance before handing it to the other.

“It’s Kyungsoo.”

Jongdae nodded slightly and tapped the green icon, bringing the device close to his ear. “Yeah, Soo?”

There were noises on the background and Jongdae’s best guess was that the other male was in the station, waiting for his train (perhaps) home. “ _Dae! Are you working tonight?_ ”

“I take a day off every Sunday, Soo. Why?”

“ _Sweet. I’ll drop by around… 6? My brother’s been here since three days ago and I can barely work on anything since he hogs my only table._ ”

To imagine Kyungsoo’s annoyance, Jongdae couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle. Absentmindedly, he scanned the mess on the table only to see Minseok arching his one brow. “Sure. Don’t forget to bring a late birthday present for Minseok Hyung, though.”

“ _Damn. You’re right. I almost forgot it._ ”

“You’re free now, aren’t you?” Jongdae straightened his back, cocking his own brows as Minseok gave him a disapproving look. “I’ll see you at Jongin’s workplace in… 15?” And quickly, the guy placed his forefinger on his lips the moment Minseok opened his mouth. “All right. See you, Soo.”

“Dae.” The name came out of the elder’s lips in a low hiss, yet the distinct tone didn’t go unnoticed by the younger.

Not heeding the unsaid warning, Jongdae raised his body off the couch and left the small yet cozy living room with Minseok’s stare burning through the back of his head. It wasn’t like he couldn’t understand the elder’s concern and worry – after all, they had been friends for years and everything Minseok had done was nothing but a genuine act of affection towards him. However, Jongdae was the only one who held the answer to all of those _why_ , _how_ , and – more importantly – _who_ Minseok had yet to grasp.

And that’s why Jongdae strode in a steady pace despite the fluttering wings of butterflies and whirlwind of daisies soaring from the crack inside his chest, entering the bustling life of warm early spring day outside the confinement of his apartment. Each step he took brought him closer to his destination; a small task he was determined to accomplish while the time was still being kind to him.

Although, with a slight twinge inside his chest he had grown familiar with, he was fully aware that knocking at the door to Kyungsoo’s heart would be the furthest he could be.

Yet, the pain was soon swapped with something warm that spread throughout his body, rushing towards his fingertips once his eyes found the familiar pair of raven orbs rolling into his vision. Jongdae replied the cordial stare beaming from the darkest pool of Kyungsoo’s eyes with a gentle wave, basking under the other’s presence – and that’s how he knew that he’d be just fine.

_It’s okay_ , the little voice inside his head whispered softly. _It’s okay_.

 

—

 

In the end, Jongdae was not the only one that got a little bit too excited; apparently, the butterflies inside his chest fluttered their small, delicate wings too eagerly along with the hours that passed. And Jongdae couldn’t hold it any longer as rushing into the bathroom became the first thing he did the moment they stepped into the apartment.

Delicate white petals were a stark contrast against the charcoal black tile covering the floor and Jongdae’s trembling hand grabbed the faucet knob, his knuckles turned white soon. Water rushed down at once, creating a sound the male wished to conceal his coughing. More and more petals burst from his mouth as the heat inside his chest grew warm and warmer.

It burnt not only his chest, his lungs, and his throat from the inside – it _hurt_ and oh how it hurt him so much.

His breathing was irregular and his eyes were bored into the pitch-black void inside the drain hole, absentmindedly watching as the last few petals fell into the darkness. A gentle touch was what startled him from his trance and the moment he blinked, Minseok’s knitted brows met his gaze.

“I should install a garbage disposal here,” muttered the elder, directing his eyes to the running water.

Silence broke into the room immediately after Jongdae turned off the faucet. His lips parted, yet nothing came past his open mouth. He cleared his throat and his voice eventually returned as a croaky sound, uttering, “ _Don’t_.”

And from the expression painted across Minseok’s face, the elder knew what the single word insinuated. However, instead of confronting the other, all Minseok said was, “Wash your face. Kyungsoo’s waiting outside; he worries about you.”

The door swallowed Minseok’s silhouette with a quiet thud and Jongdae trained his gaze to the mirror in front of him. Despite the exhaustion still visible on his feature, everything still seemed the same. There was the visible darkness smudging around his eyes, indeed, although Jongdae was still quite unsure what had painted the shade on his skin: staying up late to finish his papers or his growing visit to the bathroom late at night.

Heaving a long sigh, Jongdae turned the knob once again and cupped the water inside his open palms, washing his face thoroughly.

Concern was as clear as day the second Jongdae’s gaze landed on Kyungsoo’s own. The latter knitted his thick, bushy eyebrows, tilting his head slightly to the side as he said, “You don’t seem well, Dae.”

“I’m fine,” Jongdae cleared his throat, trudging towards the fridge to grab a box of milk. He drank the liquid straight from the box, relishing the little comfort the drink offered to his stomach. Even with his back facing the small living room, he could sense two pairs of eyes boring into his skull.

Unlike Minseok, who kept mum, Kyungsoo grunted, “You’re _not_. I’ll go home so you can rest.”

The sigh brushing Jongdae’s lips was concealed by the quiet thud the moment the fridge door swung closed. The brunet turned to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes, not breaking the stare as he approached the other male and sat next to him on the couch. “Don’t go Minseok Hyung on me, Soo,” the brief remark earned him a low growl coming from the elder, who busied himself with the laptop on his lap. Jongdae merely snickered, the smile on his face spread into a grin as he reached out his arm, pulling Kyungsoo into his embrace. “I’m just tired is all. A little rest and I’ll be as good as new. Besides, you’ve disappeared from Earth for weeks so there’s no way I’ll let you leave this place just because of this stupid cough.”

A wisp of air escaped Kyungsoo’s lips as he burrowed himself into the hug, resting his head on the other’s shoulder. “Sorry, but the proj—”

“Forgiven,” the brunet hummed, his fingers were busy playing with Kyungsoo’s dark hair – judging from the length, it was clear that the other male had been too occupied with his side job as a research assistant.

The butterflies inside Jongdae behaved calmly for the rest of the evening, leaving him only a stuttering heartbeat as hours stretched before him. The hours were filled with nothing but the familiar comfort and warmth growing inside his, the same one he always experienced before the white petals finally occupied the blank space in his chest.

But nothing ever lasted forever. Thus, Jongdae shouldn’t find it surprising anymore when he cracked his eyes open sometime past midnight, gasping for air as _something_ had choked him from his inside. With his hand covering his mouth – the mouth he pursed tightly so that there wouldn’t be any coughing to distract Kyungsoo from his sleep – the brunet scurried out the room and dashed into the kitchen. Yet Jongdae was only a step away from the sink when everything eventually escaped him, more and more white petals accompanied by the noise that mingled with his heavy breathing to tear through the quiet of the night.

In a split second before his wobbly legs finally gave in to the force of the gravity, his fingers latched onto the edge of the sink almost like a reflex, begging for a support. However, it was apparently too late already as the next coughing erupted and he fell knee first. Garnering all of the little strength he still had, Jongdae struggled to clamber up the height of the cabinet only to have the gravity pulling him back again and again to the floor.

There were sounds, there were voices, yet none of them was his. But Jongdae was too drained to process every word he somehow could still hear when everything that filled his head was the sound of his own breathing – slow and weak – as well as how the vision before his eyes had lost its edges and sharpness. And for the first time, he suddenly realized that the world he always knew could look somewhat blurry, damp, and _painful_.

He pressed his eyes shut, finally feeling the wetness rolling down his cheeks. His body limply gave in to the force of gravity – sooner or later, the earth would swallow him nevertheless and there was no way for Jongdae to escape from his fate.

After all, it was inevitable.

“Dae, look at me…”

The voice, the gentle one Jongdae could never mistake as someone else’s, made his eyes flutter open. And the world was still as blurry, damp, and painful, yet it was also where the dark pools of Kyungsoo’s eyes unfolded before him, the deepest shade of the glint on the surface looked like a quiet lake at night under the full moon he once saw years ago.

It was still as breathtaking to bask under such a sight.

And so Jongdae leaned in, pressing his forehead against the firmness of Kyungsoo’s chest to squeeze everything out of his heart. Tears streamed down like a waterfall, and for a moment, Jongdae wished that it could drown the butterflies inside his chest as well. And if that would also mean to drown him too, never once would Jongdae regret it at all. Because despite the flame burning every cell of his body, he could never imagine how his life would be should he have to wake up in the morning and feel _nothing_ about Kyungsoo.

 

—

 

On a warm Monday afternoon, Kyungsoo forcefully shoved a lunch box in Jongdae’s arms – the latter would never mind it at all if only his arms were not full with thick books already. The brunet quirked an eyebrow, replying to a frown crumpling the other’s forehead. “What?” Yet the question only earned a deeper scowl as an invisible string pulled the corner of Kyungsoo’s lips downwards.

The answer he got was only a push on his back – a firm yet not a harsh one – which made Jongdae involuntarily walked towards the nearest empty bench on his campus plaza. Yet it didn’t take long for him to finally receive a verbal response the moment Kyungsoo sat on the concrete seat and proceeded with his own food.

“Eat,” the boy grunted, burying his teeth into the sandwich Jongdae immediately recognized as the one from their campus cafeteria. “Minseok Hyung told me this morning that you’ve been eating less lately,” he continued while munching through the food, wearing the familiar indifferent look on his face as his eyes absently gazing around the surrounding.

Jongdae had joined the other on the bench, resting the books he had to read for his thesis on his lap – the bright, sunny yellow plastic lunch box was at the top. And it didn’t take long for him to also recognize to whom the article belonged.

A long, heavy sigh brushed his lips as the brunet inched to Kyungsoo, resting his head on the shoulder. _Of course_ Minseok would tell Kyungsoo as the latter finally found out about Jongdae’s illness. _Of course_ Minseok would make the other take care of him whenever Jongdae wasn’t around the elder. And _of course_ Kyungsoo would make the bold promise: to watch after Kim Jongdae, his best friend who was slowly drowning deep and deeper in the beauty of delicate daisy petals in every passing day.

_Best friend_ … Jongdae scoffed inwardly. The words creating something quite like a crack inside his chest he was already familiar with.

And so few weeks passed with more texts and class not only from Minseok, but also Kyungsoo. The latter, who finally enjoyed extra hours of free time once his work load had lessened greatly, barely failed to accompany Jongdae when the brunet spent most of his day in the library. His visit to Jongdae’s workplace – a small coffee shop around their campus – had increased too, especially when the brunet had to get off work late.

Yet it was also followed by the darker smudge circling his eyes and deeper hollow carved into his cheeks, thus accentuating his cheekbones in a way that choked Minseok’s breath in one morning after the elder gently massaged Jongdae’s nape. And it was one morning that made the elder left their shared apartment in a hurry and returned in a few hours later with a new garbage disposal he installed himself.

Jongdae pretended to not hear the crying seeping out the bathroom albeit how quiet the sound was.

It should’ve been natural to see any changes in Minseok’s behavior – his nagging was no longer as frequent with the elder seemingly talking less and less these days. However, Jongdae was convinced that the change that began to develop ever since he cried in Kyungsoo’s arms wasn’t solely caused by how his condition worsened.

Whenever Jongdae’s teary eyes met Minseok’s worried stare as the elder took care of him, the younger could sense the presence of something hanging at the tip of Minseok’s tongue, ready to slip.

“Dae?”

The voice stirred the brunet from his reverie and in a blink of an eye, the view before him had swapped to the greeneries and blooms amidst the swarm of students under the warm spring sun. Jongdae could feel it too – the warmth engulfed him almost like a piece of blanket from his childhood he still kept – although the cause had nothing to do with the celestial body light years away from Earth. “Hmm?”

Kyungsoo gently heaved his shoulder – the one Jongdae was leaning on – and reached for the untouched lunch box. “Eat,” his hand easily opened the lid, disclosing his signature kimchi spaghetti inside. “I didn’t cook this only to go to waste, Kim Jongdae.”

The other only let out a soft chuckle and soon enough, his eyes had turned into a pair of crescents. “I’m not hungry,” the boy closed his eyes and tilted his head upwards as he basked under the light, not heeding the look of disapproval piercing him from his side. “And you know Minseok Hyung, Soo.” A glance from the corner of his eyes revealed the same scowl scrunching the other male’s face. “Just because someone cannot eat as much as him, it doesn’t mean they eat less. He often forgets that not everyone was born wi—”

The books fell with a thud against the concrete pavement – it should’ve caused a serious damage the librarian definitely would never appreciate when Jongdae returned them the following day – yet the worry took a back seat in an instant. After all, everything else was secondary compared to the fire scorching inside the brunet, who quickly covered his mouth, trying to swallow back the coughing albeit knowing how fruitless his attempt was.

It was almost like an explosion Jongdae’s weakened body couldn’t handle for any longer. Scurrying towards the nearest bathroom as fast as his legs allowed him, some petals managed to push their way out right before his hand finally reached the door knob. Not caring the stare stabbing him with confusion beaming from the pair of eyes inside the room, he hurried into an available stall and barely remembered to lock the door.

Everything that followed was already familiar, something quite like a routine. His knees hit the hard floor first before his trembling hand reached for the toilet seat lid to open it. With his face buried into the toilet, the brunet coughed and coughed up the petals, squeezing them out of his lungs.

Time should’ve passed either hastily or indolently, yet it kept going on nevertheless. And the realization struck Jongdae the moment he heard the knock on the panel – three knocks with no voice to follow. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Jongdae only gave a brief glance at the few petals floating in the toilet bowl and pushed the flush button for the last time before rising to his feet weakly. Only when he managed to steady his stance did he finally unlock the stall door and swing it inwards.

There was a glint on the dark surface of Kyungsoo’s orbs, the one that coated the large, round eyes with a distinct sheen he rarely saw on the other guy. And the sight was enough to invite something quite like guilt bubbling up in Jongdae’s throat.

“Soo—”

“For god’s sake, Dae,” the words brushed Kyungsoo’s lips along with the heavy breath, “why _can’t_ you tell us the name?”

Silence, laden with unspoken words, settled in the empty restroom, accompanied by the sound of water rushing down the faucet as Jongdae washed his face. No words were yet to be exchanged even when Kyungsoo quietly handed him the paper towel, which Jongdae responded with a croaky, barely audible, “Thanks.”

“All we need to know is just one _name_ , Dae,” Kyungsoo’s words echoed inside the space, cutting through the quiet. “Just one name and—”

The voice coming from Jongdae’s lips soon replaced the heavy silence in an instant. “And how will that make any difference?” His eyes met Kyungsoo’s own, a reflected on the mirror. “Tell me, Soo: will a name ever make any difference?”

Words seemed to escape Kyungsoo, whose features contorted into a plain shock following the loud, angry words. His plump lips parted, tinged with obvious tremble as if the boy was struggling to squeeze words out his brain.

Another surge of anger rushed into the cave of Jongdae’s chest, mingling with the guilt already carving its place in the very same space. The brunet had no any idea yet to whom the emotions were addressed, yet there they were; a whirlwind that brought nothing but devastation to shatter more and more part of his frail, broken heart into tiny bits. Albeit knowing that he’d regret it later once the storm inside him subsided, Jongdae dwelled in the anger nonetheless as he stalked closer to the other boy… the one who was oblivious as to how the answer he was seeking was actually closer than he could’ve thought of.

The expression painted across Kyungsoo’s face had yet to change the more the distance between them disappeared. A moment later, Jongdae found Kyungsoo already cornered with nowhere else to escape as his back met the wall, the heavy breathe coming from his parted lips fanned Jongdae’s face. Jongdae, somehow indulging himself in the sight, scanned the features briefly before leaning in, his lips were close to one corner of Kyungsoo’s own.

_It’s okay_ … a part of him fought the urge to completely remove the distance between their lips – something Jongdae had thought of for more than he’d like to admit. But a droplet of crimson dissolving into the water, a contrast against the delicate white petal, suddenly flooded his mind. A big lump soon formed inside his throat, its taste was repugnant as the brunet swallowed it back upon the vision. _It’s… okay_.

“Death will always be the end of us anyway, Soo. And I’m not any exception,” Jongdae could feel the ticklish sensation his own breathy words left on his face. “After all, it was inevitable.”

Jongdae had made the decision ever since the butterflies inside his chest began to soar. And right the moment the daisies followed, he knew that he was left with nothing but the only road he’d be willingly treading down. And so he kept going on, not sparing another glance over his shoulder despite the mention of his name coming from the boy he was willing to die for.

 

—

 

 


End file.
